“You shouldn’t put your eggs in one basket.”
A phrase that I have heard and continued to think about….

There is a lesson here where your eggs should be evenly spread and most importantly in your own basket.
I did put all emphasis in love, belonging and trust in one soul person, and that was my ex-husband.

When it was taken away it felt like I had lost absolutely everything, it even felt like I had lost myself, my identity. I put my heart and soul into building a family and a relationship, I forgot myself and didn’t put myself first.
When it is then taken away from you, there was a loss of purpose of what do I do now? Who am I? Why did this happen? All the questions once more…

This is one thing I have learnt about myself, that I needed to understand who I was whilst all the changes were happening around me. I had to start quietening my low inner dialogue of myself and actually start loving myself. Doing things that I love to do and making space for me.

Forgiving myself for the choices I had made and how I handled them in the past.

I find the boundary of selfishness hard as I grew up knowing that selfishness isn’t positive, but actually it really is when its taken to caring about yourself.

Selfishness to me is building on making sure you are ok, that way you can then take care of others. This is how I feel about my son, if mama is ok then everything can be handled more effectively.
To be authentic to who you are and not forcing to change to think that another way would be better. You are what you are seeking to be, don’t betray yourself looking for what you think you ‘should’ be just because of your situation or how society is these days.

The example of when you must put your oxygen mask on first in an aeroplane emergency before helping others or else you become useless to help. You haven’t taken care of yourself. This is the same in life.
My reality now is being able to share my basket, and stopping my cynicism. I have my basket of eggs for myself, for my family, for my friends. To put trust into sharing that basket with a loved one can scare me, but I feel it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I can take the risk as I wont put all my eggs into that one soul basket. I have learnt so much from my past behaviour.

Be true to yourself and don’t betray yourself on who you actually are.
Open your mind to new possibilities, open your heart and be brave in this journey.

….these never ending lessons of life

🦋

“Other single mums seem to manage just fine across the country but you don’t”

This was said to me. 
It has gone over and over in my mind a lot. Someone’s flippant comment can have extraordinary repercussions on ones mind. 

It hit a raw nerve for me, of not feeling good enough, which I try to quieten everyday with my own mind battles. It instantly made me cry and then made me really angry that someone thought they had the right to say that to me. 

I then stepped away and thought it through. This was a very shameful sentence to say out loud to me. It felt undermining and unfair.

Iv been reading the amazing Brene Brown books of vulnerability and shame. Shame is a very interesting emotion we face. How we interpret it and how we then deal with it.

Iv had to work hard on my inner dialogue of self worth and to hear this comment I had to work very hard to tell myself “I do my best for my son and I work really hard for him to have a roof over his head and food on the table, people’s comments don’t define what I do, I need to know and have faith in what I do.” 

It’s sad to think someone feels that way about me and i felt attacked and the only single mum that didn’t have her shit together. What the hell? Do all single mums know what they are doing? Am I the only failure? 

Wow. I needed to stop the questions! 

So what I have done is taken on the path way of keeping strong with what I know I am and what I do for my boy. 

Life isn’t easy, you just need to put all efforts into what’s most important and over come people’s words. 

They are just words, stand your sacred ground. 

You are more than that 🦋

Be strong 💛

The language we speak…have you listened to how you tell stories, how you portray feelings through your words. Have you noticed a pattern or heard how you convey your words? 
 

I discovered very early on in my self worth journey, that when I spoke; “Oh” was a BIG word I used in my vocabulary. When I explained something happening to me or if I didn’t agree or questioned what was happening I would reply “oh” inviting in the uncertainty of my mind.

It channelled a negative inner dialogue which emotionally I took personally, that it was something I had done or deserved. Spiralling into an instant habit that manifested over years within my confidence.

The discovery of this made me see how much I lost faith in myself and self-worth when people questioned me on my performance, behaviour or actions in certain situations.

It would lead me to think 

“what must I have done?” 

“why have they questioned me?”

 and it was a critical response inside of me, that I had done something wrong in some way.

This saddened me to think I did not have much faith in myself or actions to stand up and face what I knew. I questioned myself and tried to look at other people’s perspective of me before my own truth. 

I had lost faith in my own belief, my self esteem was low.

I decided to recognise when I used the “oh ok” (sometimes an ok would slide in there!) and heard it when I thought/felt I wasn’t good enough.

So since recognising my words, I now identify when I’m about to say it and change the way I respond. Wow, it so hard to break a habit!!

I notice the way I feel and guide myself to not rush into the instant habitual response and wait.

Gaining strength from within, my self-belief started by changing the way I used my words. A small change can lead you into the direction you need to discover within yourself.

You are good enough and the person who needs to realise it is…. You.

Listen to your words and make a change. 

•Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres •

A reading I’ve heard over and over again at weddings….
But what does being in love mean? Do couples listen and work on the words and commitment they face? 

You encounter many questions when the one you love tells you they are not in love with you anymore…the emptiness surrounds your soul. You want to fill it with questions to look for the ‘answer’. Is there an answer to what you are trying to find? 

Sometimes there is no answer to a question, it just needs to be. It is out of your control and it’s so hard to not be able to make sense of it. Your heart is confused.

Does the magic of love not last? What’s the definition of one’s magic love? The initial chemistry sparks a feeling and with this feeling you flow into what you believe love is. Love like any other feeling will need to be nourished and fed, like a flower. Once it’s neglected the love dies and this can lead to loss.

It is so easy to fall in love but to stay in love is the hardest thing you will ever do. Marriage, relationships, friendships, like many people will say is hard work, if they are worth your energy then this is part of love.

This came up in a conversation recently I had and it got me thinking of the essence of love and life. 

The world revolves around love as a large concept and this as humans is what we have developed. The reason we have religions, the reason we make and form relationships, from family, friends and partners- is stemmed from love. 

Love can bring about great power in uplifting people’s minds. The instinctual reactions of helping the old lady cross the street, to offering a hand when someone has fallen over or simply smiling at someone and asking how they are. 

Compassion of love and kindness.

Yes these traits can have different levels in each individual but it is within us. 

As humans we have developed such an incredible empathy and brain capacity, that we know of, compared to other animals. We want to belong, we want a purpose in our lives, we want to be part of a ‘troop’. Along with this comes emotions, expectations, thoughts, influences which can inevitably complicate the focus. 

Individuals seek and feel love differently, and no one owes you anything.

My personal opinion with love is ‘connection’, and a spiritual feeling of who you meet or come across has happened for many reasons. What is meant for you, won’t pass by you.

People who stay in your life are part of the connection of the journey you face. Encounters aren’t coincidental, they have been put in our path for a reason. 

When we suffer from love is when we have fear, fear of the unknown. This is my own realisation, I breath and stop doing and just be. 

“Today, don’t wish it was another day. Wish it was today. Then you will realize yourself already blessed”

“True love is already within you – one cannot fall in love with that which is outside of the self, ones true nature is already love. Falling in love, is really just coming back home.”

Stay present, have faith and let be. 

Love is within you. 

🦋

You have a starting point and then what seems like an end point that you want to reach. You want to reach this straight away “take me to the end!”

I remember the song I used to listen to and repeat constantly

 “wake me up when it’s all over” ….when I’m wiser and I’m older (tune!) 

However that’s the fantasy world, the middle ground is the reality and the reality is hard work.

When I was caught up in my confusion surrounding a single parent/ex-wife title (fun), I saw where I should get to and the beliefs I had within, I knew where I needed to progress. But I needed to grieve….and I held back from this heart wrenching pain. My middle ground stood still for a while as it felt too dark to address the pain I felt of what I had gone through. I was scared if I addressed the pain I would spiral into the darkness forever. 

The awful question emerged of “what did I do wrong for this to happen…”

The darkness came in waves, I suppressed a lot of pain to be able to function as a single parent and as an actual human! I needed to be ok…the healing process took a while for me personally because of these things, however it took the time it did for me and everyone is so very different. I was scared, scared of reality, scared of letting go and scared of the unknown.

 The numbness of confusion.

Scary to parent on my own, a 1yr old, who’s main responsibility was now me. 

I got through the last 3yrs helping my boy grow, training him and nurturing his beautiful personality. The pride I get when I stop and recognise how much iv done is actually remarkable. If you know me well, I’m not keen on complimenting myself! But this is something I have done well! 

You should take time to reflect and see “what have you done?” there will be something to grab onto that you are proud of and this will help you focus away from the darkness. Mine is my boy.

The voices in your head are wrong, you are good enough and you can get through this. The negative voices…they are actually your own voices, you are in control of them.

So the middle ground…the hardest work you will ever do, it certainly is the hardest I have ever worked at anything. In the middle ground phase my focus was my son, which I feel so fortunate that I had such a big drive. 

“Wake me up when it’s all over?”

NO. to get towards an end point you have to work in the middle. Never give up! There is no easy avenue, there is no free pass to the end unfortunately. I wish there was as I would have brought it! 

Work work work and keep fighting, getting back up each time you feel knocked down.

I know you can, as I have and I am.

You can.

Self-aware of where do I get validation from? Number one answer you must get it from is….YOU ultimately! Yup sounds easy…not so easy it turns out.
On this road of discovery I’ve encountered that I am what we call a “people pleaser”… pleaser of the people! Ah sounds nice, sometimes not so beneficial.

I get a lot out of the relationships I have made with friends and family and especially partners. I think since going through such a journey you reflect and look back on your behaviours. I felt uplifted when someone was proud of me or liked the way I did things. I am very critical on myself and have been for years, so hearing someone else’s words made me tell myself

“see you are good enough…see you are ok….you do actually know what you’re doing!”
..it validated my thoughts, reasons and decisions. If they thought I was doing well I MUST be doing well! To a certain degree this is a good thing to receive from loved ones, however when turned into the only reason you make decisions its then unfolded.

Trust in yourself. Ok this sounds lovely but HOW?

It is a nice human emotion to feel connected to people and for agreements to happen within all subjects of the world. However it is ok to not agree with people and it doesn’t link to failure but a simple matter of opinion. And that is ok. My downfall or realisation of myself is that I found it linked to love and failure within me. If someone didn’t agree I would first question myself

“oh is that not the right way?…oh did I actually do it?….oh I thought that’s what I did?…oh wait now I’m confused”

and second I store it as an act of them not caring or thinking of me, I took it personally.

This has inevitably sent me down some wrong avenues for my self-worth. Relying on approval of others rather than listening to myself and trusting in my decisions and thoughts.

Who is important to you? Redefine who is and create reassurance from those you validate yourself. Getting drawn into other people’s opinions that aren’t important to you is wasted energy.

Stay true to who you are and trust in yourself 🦋

 

Let go of the curse
I feel cursed by my past…every direction I headed into felt like I was getting dragged back by ‘the curse’ 

I would be working hard on myself and keep discovering and healing then another blow would hit me and the fear of the curse was right behind me holding me back.

It started tainting my world….what can I do?! Can it ever be gone…when will it get easier? 

So I need to STOP calling it my curse and ignoring it has something to do with my past.

Yes I went though a lot but I will not let it define me!! 

I am allowing it to be part of me and I refuse that it will affect my life emotionally. Stop connecting it to my life when I feel things go wrong. Things go wrong, as this life sometimes does, it is not the end of the world but the start of a new chapter. Fresh beginning with a different mind set. 

I will not let it define me.

How can someone say they love you but not care for you…

How can they kiss you and know their deceit…

How can they hold you and know they long for someone else…

How can they promise you the world and rip it apart…

How can they share dreams and then destroy dreams…

How can they contribute to a life and leave without a thought…

How can they help others but not comfort you…

How can they fall in love but not preserve their love….

How can you leave us and never look back….

                                       Gin&Tiaras 🦋

Time can heal even the deepest of wounds but time will never give us the understanding of others bad decisions…just the hope that realisation crosses their path into their chosen reality. 

Release the darkness. 

Questions!! Why is this happening to me? How did it happen?

The never ending questions that can circulate the mind. Endless roads and thoughts, where do they lead? How does it help us?
My mind is always analysing and looking for answers. One of the hardest things I’ve worked on (and still do every day!) is quietening those voices, or acknowledging them, then letting them go. Easier said than done for sure!

I got told once to write things down (hello blog!) and I started writing in my book which is next to my bed, named ‘story of a broken heart’- to the point kind of title. When my husband left me I did not know where to turn or what to do, so I spilled it all out in this book, sometimes it was hard to write the things I was feeling down. For me this helped me a lot to get things out of my head. I even, a few times, recoded myself talking it all out on camera (heavens know where this is right now!)

I have caught myself obsessing over the question in my head going nowhere and I’v literally got to shout STOP!! JUST STOP!

One good question to ask is.. “how are these questions helping me right now?”

Practise quietening the questions…discover what works for you and KEEP GOING!!

 

Hard work. I once said I’m tired of struggling, and their response was “keep struggling.” YES. Keep climbing and keep fighting as you are not giving up when all you want to do is just that. The battle of emotions.

When my marriage got taken from beneath me, I needed to do something for my son and me. So about 4 months after the ‘shock’ I booked for us to take a trip together for a week in Morocco. I met a lady out there who told me “I promise you, you are going to be ok. You are going to be ok” These words repeated over in my head. She came from a marriage of 10 years with three children; her husband left for America and never came back and met a 16yr old girl and now has no contact with his kids . When I heard this it hit me hard, the whole fact of an uncontrollable act with devastating consequences, from someone’s selfish decision.

She had gone through some torment and shock from her past and she could sense my lost emotions and questions of what is it going to be like now…as she had gone through those struggles.

Those words have never left me and I thank her for telling me those simple words. If you feel you need to say something to someone in a positive light then I recommend you do so, from just smiling or saying hi, to speaking and letting them know there are good people out there. Things happen in lots of crazy and unfair ways sometimes. A simple act of kindness can really change someone’s day or even affect them for life like this lady has for me.

Thank you 🙂